Why we are not marrying those men
Ask any pair (both of its halves), whether their partner is ideal. In the first years of marriage, people will answer you with a confident and proud “yes”, and then - by a happy coincidence of circumstances. If you look at the partnership from the psychological side, the fact that there are no ideal partners is quite normal. And it is good to learn this as early as possible, especially before marrying. But we, the generation of unions "for romantic love," we think only later, when we meet face to face with disappointment and indignation. What usually leads to these disappointments? First, the idea that marriage is happiness. That partner is eternal joy and butterflies in the stomach. That your love is perfect.
Remember your ideas about the perfect partner in twenty years. The very age to meet with the first big love.
It will be something vague like “cheerful”, “beautiful”, “high” and “listening to the same music”. And what's next, for musical predilections and a sense of humor - we will already know about this closer to thirty
The very age in order to begin to understand themselves and their needs relative to the partner.
Each of us has a healthy part of the psyche and the shadow side, as psychologists say. The injured part, which can not even be aware of in ourselves, because at some point in our childhood we simply drowned it out. All have their own. Each is neurotic and immature in its own way. And that is what is best to explore, before running down the aisle. Find out in what situations the partner is showing rage or how he leaves himself. What exactly disturbs him, what he fears in the end. Where is relaxing, and where is infinitely tense.
Because when you listen to your favorite music and embrace, you may have another, “unexpected” period, where you will see your partner in anger or find that he likes to be silent like a fish after a quarrel. Or does not tolerate a loss in a dispute. And so, step by step, the place of idealization will be taken by reality, which, to put it mildly, will begin to confuse
Therefore, even with the most ideal, at first glance, partner, you should have a little doubt: what if we cannot get along?
Disasters in family life are another reason why: we do not know not only that partner, but also ourselves. Years pass when we simply go with the flow, and then begin to cover - to one degree or another. For any manifestation of neurosis, an appropriate situation is needed.And while it is not there and we feel fine in the comfort zone, we are not aware of our own "opportunities." And that's just a couple, especially if you are not familiar with the first day, and the phenomenon called “swing” begins: your shadow sides meet with your partner, react to each other and start to perform as if on stage. With friends, for example, there are no such situations and the opening of deep deficiencies. You just have a good time, do not expect anything from each other and, in fact, respect the person by default - his and his territory, personal boundaries. For some reason in relations with partners, we completely forget about these basic things.
In addition, during the "storm" we tend to blame a loved one for everything that our psyche faces. Feel jealousy mixed with a sense of ownership? Blame the partner. And then he must "serve" this psychosis with diligent behavior and heart to heart talk.
Or situations when you provoke quarrels, “feed” on them and love to manipulate tears, while for a partner it is stress, and its shadow side, denying warmth or something else, deafly closes all doors and with all its strength resists your shouts, and you cannot ask for warmth in another way.
What do people do in these cases? Live for years, considering a partner monster, zombie, unfeeling and stuff. But there is good news: any insane pair can be tampered with therapeutic work and reconcile its cockroaches. An accidental happy ending, as a rule, does not happen here. But at the same time, working with a psychologist can open up the other side of the coin: you will understand that at the deepest level you do not approach each other and that all this lies beyond frustrations. Some people simply can not and should not be together.
Another common cause of the “wrong” partner is the inability to feel happiness on their own. That is, for its presence, we need someone else. It is clear that it is more pleasant to live in romantic feelings: the world is painted in pleasant colors and so on, but it is extremely important to be able to see these shades and alone. To be a full-fledged person and not spend your whole life looking for happiness in the person of a man. And here’s a paradox: it seems to us that we are looking for happiness, but in fact we all complicate the illusory picture we are striving for. And as already decided to determine, it all stretches from childhood. There we needed parents, with whom, perhaps, it did not work out, warm relations, and in the same place we captured our vision of what love is.A girl who has not grown up and has not matured psychologically, lives with this vision all her life, finding unconsciously certain types of suffering in each of her partner. And here is another contradiction: we run from balanced, reliable people. They seem to us strangers to their positivity and desire to reach out. In general, the lack of experience of healthy relationships often leads to the wrong partner.
Loneliness also scares people. And almost no one is willing to try to accept the fact that you can get a chance to form a normal relationship when you are truly ready and know how to be alone. Because otherwise we fall in love not with a person, but into a feeling of “non-singularity”. Society stirs up a bad interest in singles, condemning and criticizing them. Are there many people in your environment, for example, who are comfortable to go to the cinema alone or go on vacation?
And this is just the kind of activities that are most pleasant to do alone. Just a few people guess about it. And this manic passion of couples to be friends only with couples? Often, alas, a long friendship ends under the yoke of such stupid stereotypes.
Appreciating adequately our generation and examples of marriage unions before our eyes, we can say: there is a feeling that someday we will come to the fact that we will choose a partner not only with our heart, but with our heart and healthy psyche. No wonder that psychology is so popular today!
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