Why sometimes throws everything and start to live as you want

The mood "time to bring down" - from work, from the country, from the boss, from everyday life, etc. - a person has about 35 to 42 years. Plus or minus to the middle of life, the very feeling of the middle of life for each individual. Why this happens, says our expert, a practicing psychotherapist and writer Tatiana Ogneva-Salvoni.

“What is it,” the editor’s friend says indignantly, “there’s nothing else to talk about: throw off all your“ must ”and live as you wish. Throw unloved work and look for your favorite, for example. And she's two percent favorite, the rest are serving the allotted time. Now, if all 98% quit their unloved work, what will happen? Or is it - “Do you feel that love is gone? Throw an unloved husband / wife and look for a loved one. " But when they got married, there was love! It may be less costly to remember that love, it was based on something. I don’t know, I don’t know ... What is this new vector like - to throw something that has been built up over the years in order to embark on some kind of search with a bias into youthful maximalism?

But he is not new.It just re-open those, approached a certain age.

Photo: Getty Images

Psychoanalysts assume that in the middle of a life a person directly faces the fear of death. That is, somewhere there, on the periphery of consciousness (and there are such craftsmen, who with the whole brain), he suddenly realizes that half of his life has passed. At best, God forbid, half - and finita la comedy. And here the protective mechanisms are activated. One of them, the most lively, is to urgently create the illusion that you are still young, it does not smell like death and is near. It starts the flight for youth, for good form, for plastic surgeons and fashionable things with a hint of belonging to the youth. Many suddenly discover: “But I’m still nothing, and I’ve been perfectly preserved, and we will still fight!”

The next stage is the desire to change the situation. Because youth is what? Drive, adrenaline, new sensations, freedom of choice. When you have a loan, a boss, a husband, a wife, children with obligations and a couple of decades filled with mistakes that you should forget about, you will not remember that it has not been young for a long time, no matter how well it is preserved. And even when there is nothing of the above, except for work in an office with ghostly perspectives, you especially yearn for some unknown beaches with palm trees, where you can shake things up, dump a load of years.

One family decided - to change everything, go to the Spanish island, get a paradise already in life, and then fucked up, that's enough. Breathe youth with all the fibers of the soul together with the sea air in the morning. All sold - cottage, apartment, company. We left, hung a sign “Downshifters” on the chest and sat down on a Spanish beach. They even opened up some kind of shop, a certain business of a dream, but on the whole they ate money from their past life. Tired of them in about a year. After two more, they sold the shop and the Spanish villa, returned to their home side, aged at once. The head of the family wrote on this experience a sad story that sometimes dreams must remain dreams. And that if there is no peace in the soul from the beginning, you will not find it anywhere, no matter how colorful the palm trees rustle in the background of the sunset. And his conclusion was this: at first - peace, and then go wherever you want.

Perhaps, judging by the beautiful pictures on Facebook, many who have happily settled on different shores of the world who have traveled from their countries have done just that (this phenomenon is not peculiar to the Russian people, but in general to people all over the world).

- You're all happy in Italy, huh? - asks our Italian friend.

I nod, because well, yes, well, happy, why are you angry with fat? In addition, for a long time I have been trying to live according to the principle of “well where I am.” Not to depend on the place, on people, on politics, on circumstances and on someone’s opinion, on anything at all. I try so that nothing can shake my inner peace. But homeland is homeland. Longing for it, nostalgia for all of this, I apologize for the birch trees, the Russian language, the poppies of the churches, some special Russian and unpredictable state of mind of the soul - this cannot be undone. I was not immediately covered, maybe in the fifth or sixth year. Just when I turned 35. I wanted to somehow somehow drop everything and run, search, build again. Only - oops! The error came out. Everything is abandoned and rebuilt in another place a few years before.

Photo: Getty Images

There is another version, from another psychological theory, why in the middle of life it pulls in some kind of happiness, in a certain present, in a loved one. And they are even ready to believe in any illusion if it gives a feeling of a stable sincerity of what is happening. Approximately by the middle of life, the “childish” resource ends. This means that: somewhere between 30–35 years old (someone manages up to 40), a person internally relies on all the good and on the experience of dealing with bad things that happened in childhood.If the parents are alive, he still feels like a little child, internally there is some kind of “roof” in case of emergency. In the middle of life, a reassessment of values ​​and resources takes place, a lot of things have accumulated over the years, which the “children's” resource no longer sustains and does not cover. We need to find new supports. Therefore, a person is looking for global change. And now he needs only the present, because only it will sustain his adult “psychological weight”. Therefore, at this age there is a new conscious choice of the path, now more balanced.

There are several other theories explaining the midlife crisis. I think that each of them is right. Someone really has the fear of death turned on, and someone chooses a new resource. And someone - all together and something third, unknown to psychologists. There must always be something unknown, right? Otherwise, what's the point of living.

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