The birth of a child - a marriage test for strength? We ask psychologists
Imagine that before pregnancy you live only for each other, well, maybe, besides you two, a cat or dog lives in the house, throughout the pregnancy the husband takes care of you like no one else in the world, fulfills all your desires, you are his center the universe. And then suddenly, after the birth of a child, your life with him turns in the root. Time for each other is not that sorely lacking, it simply does not exist, but at the same time the responsibility that spouses must bear before the child and each other increases many times. The needs of the baby come to the fore, then your physical needs with your husband: sleep, eat, take a shower. And that's all. Even these seemingly elementary things, about which you had not thought about before, do not have time. At all. To lie down just hugging on the couch is already happiness. From now on, lack of sleep, fatigue, irritability - your faithful companions non-stop, around the clock, seven days a week. A month, two, three, four, five ...The further, the more fatigue will be felt and the less will remain on oneself and each other.
Earlier, when my girlfriend, some time after giving birth, said she was taking a shower in one and a half to two minutes, I did not believe. Theoretically, I understood that the young mother has very little time left for herself, but not to the same extent. It was hard for me to imagine how it is - not to belong to yourself ... In the first few months after the birth of a child, you feel that you are a mother, a wife with a bunch of housework duties, but you forget about yourself: who you were before pregnancy, somewhere disappears. You are looking for it and do not find it. You live only the needs of your beloved child. The husband goes into the background. And you for the husband too. In the evening, only one thought is spinning in your head: how to wash and fall asleep? Before the first feeding. What there is a romantic dinner and candlelight conversations, if there is no strength to wash your head? You are waiting for him from work so that he will give you the opportunity to rest, and he, returning home, is waiting for the same from you. Against the background of fatigue, there is irritation, plus a sharp hormonal adjustment makes itself felt. You break down, and the husband perceives any of your words literally and personally.It's hard for him to understand what hormones say in you. As a result, there are disagreements, resentment, disappointment.
According to statistics, a third of divorces occur in families with children up to 3 years. Psychologists console, they say, the main thing - do not spoil the relationship with her husband in the first year after the child is born. Then everything will be easier. I stumbled upon an interesting little article in which it is said that it is dangerous to leave mother alone with the baby for more than 12 hours. The woman has an emotional burnout. I repeat, only those mothers who have neither grandmothers or nannies who are in the one-on-one apartment with the child can be exposed to this syndrome. And it is worth her husband to linger for a couple of hours at work, after 19:00 at my mother's roof. Feelings similar to claustrophobia appear. Panic. Fear. Hysterics. Mom covers. And if in moments of extreme fatigue you are experiencing something similar to claustrophobia, try not to be alone with the child. If someone third is present in the apartment, even if it does not help you, but simply to be present, it will be easier for you. Well, what is all this not a test of marriage for strength? I summarize the above:
- Childbirth is not the most difficult thing you have to go through on the way to motherhood. Childbirth is only the beginning. The most difficult thing is the first six months after the birth of the child. I would even say the first three months. Then easier.
- Remember: everything that you say to a man during his hysterics will be perceived by him literally and painfully. A man should remember that the nonsense that his wife bears is just a side effect of a serious hormonal adjustment. At such moments, the young mommy just need to hug and calm.
- Hugging more often! The bigger, the better.
- Replace each other, give each other the opportunity to relax.
- In the first place is a dream. First, sleep, and then mopping, cooking and other household chores.
- In order to save the psyche, a woman needs to learn how to live according to the mode of the child, that is, to sleep when the child is sleeping. No other way.
- The task of a man is to pull a financial strap and make sure that a woman does not worry about money. In the first year after the birth of a child, financial difficulties hit the marriage more than ever. If earlier you could postpone your Wishlist until the next salary, then with the advent of the baby in the house this will be impossible. Spending will increase by an order of magnitude.In addition to diapers, bottles, the mixture, if the baby is bottle-fed, diapers, clothes, there will be many unforeseen expenses. And imagine what will happen to a woman who is already without strength, if she starts to sweat even about money!
- Remember, this is not forever! Children grow up very quickly! And the time will come when you will want to return to the diaper-row period! And the memories of a lack of sleep and crocodile tears will make you smile.
- And remember, you are not only parents, but also husband and wife. The child will grow up and create his family, and you still have to live with each other.
Well, in all this there are many pluses. Firstly, there is no greater happiness than being a mother. No matter what. Such a paradox. Without a baby, nothing in your life will make sense!
Secondly, in the first, most difficult year after the birth of a child, a woman understands how she was stupidly wasting her time before giving birth and did not appreciate him.
And thirdly, no one appreciates the usual little things and the feeling of freedom like young mothers. To drink tea in silence, read a book, lie on a sofa and watch a movie, go out to the light, go to a beauty salon, go to study ... All these usual once trifles for some reason only now bring usunreal pleasure!
And most importantly, a year after the birth of the child, we already look at the husband with different eyes. We appreciate, love and respect him for the fact that at the right time he shared with us all the difficulties, was there, loved and cared.
In general, one thing is clear to me: the birth of a child can either strengthen the family, or destroy an already shaky union. There is no third. But what the result will be depends only on both of you!
And now your questions:
Anna, 27 years old, Moscow
My child is 8 months old. No one helps my husband. Husband comes home late. Helps bath baby and puts to sleep. Everything else is on me. Child, everyday cooking (he takes food to work with him), cleaning, washing, ironing. Sometimes it seems to me that I go crazy. What I have taken myself. The husband does not understand this. At the weekend, when I ask him to have breakfast faster, in time to go for a walk with the child, while he doesn’t give a shit, the husband pulls the bagpipes: slowly, sipping coffee and staring at the laptop. It scares me terribly. I am very nervous from fatigue. For ages never left the house. Hire a nanny is not possible. Relax in the spa or fitness club too. We live on a small salary of her husband.I am angry that he cannot solve financial problems and that he does not understand how much I get tired. For sex there is neither strength nor desire. Our relationship has deteriorated greatly. I often cry because I feel lonely and ugly.
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